How to have "The Talk?"

[Mule]

Talking to your partner about sex is the most difficult conversation you are likely to have. Compared to this undertaking, talking to your children about sex is a lot easier. (Actually the latter is quite easy; just answer their questions honestly and at a level of their understanding. Don't answer questions they didn't ask.)

It is probably a good thing that we can't read each other's minds. However, the lack of clairvoyance is a barrier to communications.

We can talk about cars, shopping, politics, sports, child rearing, and just about any other subject with ease and various degrees of animation. But when it comes to sex, we just don't know where to start. Few are the couples who over the dinner table say something like, "Oh, I'd like to talk to you about how we make love."

In some cases, people pay professionals to mediate these talks for them.

Even the best of us refer to it euphemistically: "Do you want to do it?" "Do you want to make love?"or "How about a roll in the hay?" - "Wanna fuck?" and "Would you like to engage in the act of intercourse?" sort of spoil the mood. Either way, that's not really talking about sex.

If we have this much problem talking about regular sex, how can we possibly talk about kinky sex? It isn't likely that if you are so nervous talking about it, that you will do a very good job expressing yourself - that is, if you can get your mouth to work at all and not babble incessantly for an hour.

Even if you can get the conversation going, it is froth with dangers. You may not get a response, especially if your partner is as nervous about the topic as you are. After all, you've been thinking about it. You've "screwed up" the courage to talk about it. She's probably hit blindside.

Once you've cleared these Everest-sized obstacles, you're still not in the clear. The reason you are probably having the conversation is that there is something you want her to do for you. There is nothing wrong with this, she can't read your mind. However, as soon as you say, "I want" you've started down the path to the dark side.

"I want" is a demand. "I want" implies that her current performance isn't up to par. While I think that women are better at receiving constructive feedback better than men, they still get put off by criticisms of their sexual performance.

If you can get to this point, forget about "I want." Instead, talk about "I feel." Express your feelings to her. Feelings are something you own, and in theory, control or manage or choose to have. They do not imply any action or demand on the part of your partner except for one. Ask her to understand. Be very careful to explain that she does not have to agree with them or do anything about them. Put her in control of what she wants to do with the information you give her. Explain to her that you will accept and understand whatever she chooses to do.

Let her take it from there. Women are very understanding creatures. She'll make the right decision. It may not be what you (as an individual) want, but it will probably be what is best for you (as a couple).

In relationships, there is no such thing as equality. Instead there is equilibrium. It's dynamic and the actions of one partner affect and change the actions of the other partner. Don't expect immediate changes.

In the meantime, offer her as much submission as she is willing to accept.

[switch]

Actually talking about sex is and isn't difficult. "OOOOO I like that! Do it some more," is really very easy to say.  So is, "you are so sexy in that shirt."  "Why don't you ever give head?" is not quite as easy.  "I want to tie you and beat you," is rather more difficult.

Pete and I have developed a way of talking about sex that almost is sex.  One of us tells the other a sexy story while the listener masturbates.   Sometimes the story teller helps out with that project. The story is very communicative of the tellers desires.  Telling them in the third person, in story form helps with embarrassment.  It also helps explain the emotional content behind the desire.  Because it's a story, it's clearly a want not a demand.  It's a great vehicle for explaining fetishy desires.

Writing the story down and handing it over might work too, but telling it during sex is a kind of grease to understanding that I'd hate to give up.

[Thorney]

I've always found it much easier to talk about sex in bed, naked, close together. This way one can feel as well as hear the partner's reaction.  Being in intimate embrace breaks down inhibitions and barriers.