Taking a reading on the Jerk Meter

[quietlisten]

As I have mentioned in several posts, I'm out beating the bushes for a woman to share life with.  But I seem to throw so many requirements into the equation that nobody can live up to my ideal.  For example, I've finally come to realize that I probably could not be happy with Miss Vanilla Missionary.  *yawn*  Some of my very few "requirements" are "hard limits" and some are less stringent.  Example of the "hard limit" category:  I don't want to go through loving an addict... got out of one such relationship and will never do it again.  Example of "soft limit" category:  really, really, really dislike smoking, but we could work it out if we had to.

All that as a preamble to:  "Am I the only one who is becoming increasingly turned off by obesity?"  I understand that this is totally Politically Incorrect, but what used to be a minor preference has grown larger (pardon the hyperbolic metaphor) over the past few years until it is now a deal-breaker from the start.  Does anyone else equate willingness/ability to maintain one's body with ability/willingness to maintain other areas of one's life, like relationships?

Or am I just a jerk?

Richard's question about having a "forced" bi experience got me wondering about preferences vs. limits, so there's my own wondering.

Quietlisten

[switch]

Tell me how obese is obese, and I'll tell you if you're a jerk and whether it has anything to do with maintaining other areas of one life. :lol:

It may be politically incorrect, but we all desire a certain level of physical attractiveness.  Besides, sex and especially bdsm requires a certain level of fitness.  Job discrimination is one thing, who you date is another.  Just remember you have only you to offer and she might have expectations too. The couples I see are pretty well matched.  

There is an old saying I like though:  "when a man loves and ugly woman he loves her heart and soul."  That's because it's the essential "she"  he has fallen for and unlike her body it won't change.  That is a good thing whether she's beautiful or not.  Being too beautiful is like being too rich, it's hard to tell if people like you.

[RichardEvansLee]

But I seem to throw so many requirements into the equation that nobody can live up to my ideal.[

Depends on the requirements.

 Example of the "hard limit" category:  I don't want to go through loving an addict... got out of one such relationship and will never do it again.

I did that twice. I'm still in the aftereffects of the last one (five years). Now if you don't accept recreational drug use you may really be limiting yourself.

really, really, really dislike smoking, but we could work it out if we had to.

I did that. Got readdiction to cigarettes (I'm such a fool).

"Am I the only one who is becoming increasingly turned off by obesity?"

I've never cared for the term BBW myself. But body fat would not be an issue. The mindset is too rare.

Thankfully, this is not one of Alexandra's limits (see reference to loving a drug addict).

I've repeated this advice many times: make sure there is a comprehensive overview of who you are, including all the routine details, a bit of life history and whatever else you can think of for potential partners to read.

That makes it easier for people to get a fuller sense of who you are without getting too caught up in one limitation or the other.

[Myles]

Am I the only one who is becoming increasingly turned off by obesity

If you're turned off by it, you're turned off by it. it's a personal preference. everyone has them, whether it's height, weight, eye/skin/hair color, muscles or lack thereof. certainly you should look for a potential partner that has those qualities you feel most comfortable with, whether they are physical, or philosophical, or spiritual. compatibility is a huge part of lasting relationships.

Does anyone else equate willingness/ability to maintain one's body with ability/willingness to maintain other areas of one's life, like relationships?

this is the bit that may lead to incipient jerk-hood. a person's size does not equate to the richness of his/her life. I've met lots of people over the years, and thin/fit people have just as much personal, emotional, and relationship baggage as fat people. it's like comparing apples and oranges. the ability to be in healthy relationship with others has to do with how your head works, not how much you exercise or how much you eat. ditto for keeping a clean house, a stable job, taking good care of kids, and sustaining friendships.

[After(the)Fall]

It may be politically incorrect, but we all desire a certain level of physical attractiveness.  Besides, sex and especially bdsm requires a certain level of fitness.

I agree with this. Also with the comment about most couple being well matched, despite bodily appearence. Richard is also right...the mindset is rare enough that often physical appearence doesn't matter, at least not as much as it would in a vanilla relationship.

That being said, i take a certain amount of pride in my appearance. We are still both very young, and it would reflect badly upon LK if i let myself become overweight. You can ask her....i'm constantly asking her if i look fat, or if these jeans make me look fat. If i'm having a "fat day," I'm absolutely miserable. Fat days can be staved off by eating right and going to the gym, though. I've also found my stamina and endurance are greatly increased when i'm in shape.

[quesera]

Quietlisten, I am going to jump onto the Politically Incorrect wagon with you and admit: yes, I do think "willingness/ability to maintain one's body," including the belief that it is possible and worthwhile, is a basic value that I now have to have in a partner.

My ex was both an alcoholic and obese (class 2 obese based on BMI -- but anyone looking at him would have thought hmm, really big).  After years of trying to figure out why he was never willing to do the simple things necessary to both quit drinking and eat TRULY healthy things (which would have solved the weight problem), I realized that these two areas were probably related.  His mindset on both was a combination of denial (I'm fine the way I am) and a lack of belief in the possibility of improvement (it will never work anyway).

I do agree that "a person's size does not equate to the richness of his/her life."  I have good friends with full, rich, successful, happy lives, who are more obese than my ex was.  I have no desire to tell anyone else what body size they "should" be.  That is where people move towards jerkdom -- giving advice where it does not belong.  

However, I spent an undue amount of emotional capital being concerned about the health effects of my own husband's obesity -- short and long term.  "Concerned"... hah... watching him destroy himself with alcohol and poor diet was excruciating agony.  Dealing with his obesity related illnesses, injuries, and complaints was difficult, heart-rending, and frustrating beyond description.  Why?  Because I loved him.  Not to mention I was committed to care for him 'til death us do part, and was looking forward to a very long, sad, tough time of it.

No one needs to be reminded that overweight and obesity are huge health risks for just about every Western disease and cause of death.  Richness of life was not the issue. Health enough to have active, pain-free fun now, and a chance at a healthy, active older age (not the last ten to twenty years of life spent battling a nasty disease or three) -- those were the issues.

So, when I found myself single again, one of my top criteria for a potential mate was "healthy," and to me, that includes  being of normal weight.  My views had changed to the point where seeing excess weight on a partner was not only sexually unattractive, but gave me visions of clogged arteries, overworked organs, strained and painful joints, piles of medication bottles, tearful hospital visits, and hopeless arguments.  

I just did not want that particular concern in my life anymore.  There are too many other risks to manage.  My share of future emotional pain is still out there for me.  Why knowingly add to it by getting attached to someone at high risk for all the same crap I have been through?

And before you jump all over me saying "it's not that easy to stop drinking/lose weight" --- please don't.  That, and every other excuse is part of "I'm fine the way I am" and "It wouldn't work anyway."  I permanently dropped 40% of my body weight through changing my diet, and I have permanently given up an addiction.  Once the decision was made and I had the right information, it was indeed, no more difficult than starting a new job or learning to deal with a new family member.  Different, but not difficult.

No amount of information and loving support helped my ex change his basic values and beliefs about himself.  Ten or so years is enough time for me to feel like I did all I could.

I am having to start over for the third time.  I want to give myself and my partner the best possible chance for an active, healthy, happy, kinky life right up until the end.  There are no guarantees, but there is risk management.  That is how I see weight, addiction, and a few other life choices.

Every human being is a "reclamation project."  I want that.  I just want a different project this time around.

[barry960]

Quietlisten, you're not being a jerk. I like how you expressed your thoughts and questions here considerately.
 
 I have isues about highly overweight people, and the high numbers of them. Oh well. I'm sure they all give half their paychecks to orphans with diseases, the ones who earn a paycheck anyway.  :wink:

[almost]

a person's size does not equate to the richness of his/her life. I've met lots of people over the years, and thin/fit people have just as much personal, emotional, and relationship baggage as fat people. it's like comparing apples and oranges. the ability to be in healthy relationship with others has to do with how your head works, not how much you exercise or how much you eat. ditto for keeping a clean house, a stable job, taking good care of kids, and sustaining friendships.

What Myles said. Read it again, even.

It is deeply insulting for you to say that because I am fat I lack the ability to "maintain" any area of my life. If someone plays a lot of video games, or watches a lot of TV, or is a workaholic, or smokes a lot of cigarettes, does that necessarily mean they "lack the ability and willingness to maintain other areas of their life?"

I have to say, I can't help taking this all very personally.

The fact that several, if not almost all of you, are saying that being "overweight" makes someone universally unattractive, downright ugly even, pisses me off more than I could possibly express without blood flying. I really don't care what any of you personally think is attractive because you're not my partners, but at least acknowledge that your taste is not shared by everyone else. Just because you believe something doesn't mean that everyone should think the same thing. There are people who can find others sexy if they're over a size 12, you know. Over a size 22, even. There's even a whole host of people who prefer it.  And there are a lot of people who can be healthy when they're "overweight," if you're going to get into that argument. It is all so relative too. I guarantee you that I am at least as healthy as my skinny girlfriend.

Everyone has baggage, everyone has issues, everyone has flaws, everyone has different ways of dealing with stress. Fat people just happen to have the disadvantage of their issues or whatever being more blatantly visible than a thin person's. (Assuming that their weight is due to lifestyle choices and not medical conditions, of course.  And also assuming that they're not fat because they want to be.)


I don't think you're necessarily a jerk, quietlisten, though you're toeing the line. Barry, on the other hand... I'll refrain from saying how I feel about your post, in the interest of not lowering the tone of mine.

[GunnSlinger]

Honestly...I prefer big girls...and I don't really have a cap on the weight. I just want the girl to be happy. If she's happy getting fatter...well then I'll support her because I'll still find her beautiful. If she wants to stay thin then that's okay too. But honestly, I prefer my girls to be heavy because to me that IS beautiful.

[almost]

I permanently dropped 40% of my body weight through changing my diet, and I have permanently given up an addiction. Once the decision was made and I had the right information, it was indeed, no more difficult than starting a new job or learning to deal with a new family member. Different, but not difficult.

Just because it was easy for you doesn't mean it is easy for everyone.

[Masoque]

I dislike that there aren't very many datable looking women around here anyway

What bad, bad women! How dare they not please you.

Also I think most of them are stupid selfish people who are greedy and trashy.

And what a catch women must find you.

[RichardEvansLee]

Anyone who scans human history will know that plenty of capable people whose works command interest centuries later were by contemporary standards "fat."

Generalizations about body size, shape and overall personal qualities are as stupid and silly as most generalizations normally are.

[Mistress160]

Absolutely.

[barry960]

[/quote]
And what a catch women must find you.[/quote]
 
 You got that right. A catch indeed.
And they're not bad if they don't please me. They just aren't appealing to me, so they might as well be any other entity whom I do not hate, but that I am not sexually attracted to.

[lavender scorpion]

I've never cared for the term BBW myself. But body fat would not be an issue. The mindset is too rare.

"the mindset is too rare" - I've read this I don't know how many times, and I have no idea what you're saying..  (and it's bugging me..  like a song title you cannot come up with.)  It seems a non sequitur, so could you please explain  lol.