Fetish Lore

[RichardEvansLee]

In looking at descriptions of BDSM self-help books and introductory manuals I noticed a frequent mention of protocols. And there’s Gor which is heavy in patterned speech, ritual positions.

I’ve read of a few people who have very ritualized relationships (often the couple doesn’t live together). And even more of couples who tried strong protocol but abandoned it as cumbersome.

Alexandra and I have an interest in exploring play that is tightly bound by protocol. But only in scene space. It creates reasons for “punishment.” Fantasies aside I don’t think either of us could handle the strain of more.

Ignoring certain types of patterned behavior like making tea every morning or other simple service oriented tasks I’m wondering if any of you have given ceremonial behavior or protocols a try. Whether for play or as a 24/7 form of training or whathaveyou.

Naturally I’m expecting you to say “no.” But it would be interesting to read the experiences of those who tried this sort of tightly regulated behavior even if they rejected it in the end.
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Female Led Relationships - Femdom Romance - Femdom Dating

[roo-roo]

I tried it for a while in a previous relationship. It wasn't super-high-protocol, but by my standards, it was high protocol........things like asking to use the bathroom or go to the kitchen, bowing as I gave her her drink, not speaking unless asked a question, etc. I felt completely fake doing those things. I can submit without the dramatic flourishes. I felt it was unnecessary and pointless. I did these things out of fear of punishment, not out of love. I did love her, but my heart wasn't in these actions. It felt like I was being forced into a role-play.

[RichardEvansLee]

[roo-roo]

[RichardEvansLee]

[After(the)Fall]

I feel the same way....it would be forced, strained, not natural.

LK and i were such good friends before F/m and remain such, to the extent that i dont see that ever being an issue. We have grown SLIGHTLY more formal over the last few months, ie, using honorifics. It used to feel strained, now it doesn't.
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I bring no witty charade.

[quesera]

I have never been into protocol stuff. We talk about having a day sometime where from get-up to fall-down, bbenn will have to be nude and ask permission for everything he does. It might be fun for a day, but not much longer (and I do think we'll get to it eventually, maybe when we have vacation). We have done periods of a few hours, culminating in a scene, but not very often.

He naturally calls me (and other women) "Ma'am," because he is from the deep south and was raised doing so. I find that very nice. He knows that it has a special, additional meaning when he calls me "Ma'am."
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~~QueSera


"On ruins one can begin to build. Anyhow, looking out from ruins one clearly sees; there are no obstructing walls." ~~ Rose Macaulay

[Ranai]

Ceremonial behaviour and protocol can turn me on enormously in fiction, if the author is able to pull it off in an interesting, believable way. Subject A enters a room, and immediately Subjects B, C and D (all male and gorgeous and scared to death of subject A) drop to their knees in obeisance: if it works well inside the plot, fiction writers can feed me this stuff endlessly and I will gratefully gobble it up. I also love dialogues that demonstrate tension of power difference between characters. However, these fictional situations I love are usually nonconsensual. Protocol is part of an environment of structural violence, enforced with fear.

I find it very difficult to create something like this in my reality, with a person who may love and perhaps even adore me, but who is not scared to death of me and not someone I bought on the local slave market. I have no interest at present in protocols for everyday life, but love them inside a limited time frame if I feel like it at the moment. Occasionally we have managed to pull off speech restrictions (no speaking unless given permission or spoken to, etc.) or prescribed positions, inside a time frame. We enjoyed it and found it enriching. Haven't done much of this lately though, but you have inspired me to explore this some more again.

One very simple element is to give the submissive partner a "default" spot in the room and "default" position to assume while waiting for orders there. The dominant partner goes about her business and only calls upon the other when required. You will experience what it means to be a "gentleman in waiting".

If you want to accentuate this physically (errmm... I've only just thought of this, we have no experience with it), install a physical anchor point - ring bolt - near the floor in the default spot. Attach chain there, long enough to reach areas where service may be required, and light enough to drag around without damaging the subject. Attach other end at convenient body part... ball ring perhaps? Move around carefully and don't trip over your chain.

Unless my real life BDSM interests alter over the time, I doubt however that I will want to invest a lot of effort in any sort of regular protocol discipline for everyday life. My partner has never expressed an interest in establishing any of the sort either. Moreover, I love spontaneous gestures of devotion, so if I prescribed them I'd foolishly deprive myself of that pleasure. My style of dominance tends to be spontaneous, and such a discipline would require too much discipline from me.
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'Why,' said the Dodo, 'the best way to explain it is to do it.'
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[roo-roo]

[After(the)Fall]

I love not celebrating valentines day!

I love the looks on people's stupid faces..... They say"what are you getting your wife for valentines day?....oh, nothing? Whats wrong with you??"

Me:
"Yeah,because i take every day as an opportunity to show her that i love her, and don't need some stupid commercialized BS to remind me to do that. Why don't you try it for a change?"

That usually shuts them up.


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I bring no witty charade.

[Ranai]

In Germany, Valentine's Day is not a widespread phenomenon. It is similar as with other recently imported festivities, such as Halloween which is celebrated by some happy Harry Potter fans. Mainly owners of flower shops appear to believe that Valentine's Day is an important thing - can't think why...

My partner and I surprise each other with a bouquet or a single rose on random occasions. Yep, I buy flowers for him too.


On the ceremonial D/s gestures, for us it is similar as with you, roo-roo. If my partner out of an impulse kneels down and kisses my feet, I am charmed speechless. If this were a prescribed routine, it wouldn't work this way. Nonetheless I would like to try some more extended D/s periods with rules for ceremonial behaviour.

Creating reasons for "punishment" (as Richard mentions in the opening post) wouldn't work for me. I don't enjoy playing with pretexts; I like giving pain just because. But if you both enjoy this - the more complicated rules you make, the more difficult they are to uphold. Only please remember that having to supervise and possibly punish a breach of rules is work for the top too; you don't want it to become tedious. And you probably don't want to put the bottom in control of these play punishments either. Just break another rule, and you get the top to give you some more strokes or whatever - this might screw up the dynamic and enjoyment.

On the other hand, if the rules are actually feasible (maybe with an effort), they can accentuate the dynamic and create an atmosphere for a longer period of D/s interaction.

Richard, I think you are taller than Alexandra? If you do this together some day, you might try out this rule which is especially interesting for couples where the submissive partner is taller: Whatever you are doing - including things like helping her dress or undress -, your head is never to be higher than hers. (Unless the submissive partner's knees protest from too much bending and moving in a crouched position - that would take away the fun.)
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'Why,' said the Dodo, 'the best way to explain it is to do it.'
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